My mom always said ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, trust me you don’t want that kinda meddling”
I moved to USA.
“Damn it I didn’t mean that far” ~ mom
My sister lives with her boyfriend in his mom’s house. There is indeed a ridiculous amount of meddling even though they’re technically separate households.
My in-laws live 3 hours away and my parents 14 hours away. We have seven kids so it would be useful to have them nearer on occasion, but my wife and I agree that 3 hours is the minimum we want to live away from other family members.
Does who agree? My in laws and parents? They are fine with the distance. I wouldn’t have a problem with my kids living as far or farther away. I have 8 siblings and we are scattered all over the entire country. I’d be fine if my children did the same.
This becomes even more likely with internet communities, etc. I met my wife online, and our hometowns are 1200 miles apart. It's impossible to live less than an 8 hour drive from both our families. We lived near mine for 4 or 5 years after getting married, now near hers for about 10. It's hard to feel close to both, and have that support network.
I’m from NW England. Wife is from Cornwall - 6 hour drive away. We met at uni, 2 hours for her, 4 for me.
Then my parents moved to Greece, we moved to London for career and bounced around the south east.
Eventually though we settled in Cheshire, and the parents followed - one is a 10 minute walk away, the other is 20 minute drive. It’s amazing what having grandchildren does.
Trouble is we’d feel guilty about moving to New Zealand now.
The further I have moved from Family the more I have started to wish I was closer to them physically. Especially this year when our normal yearly gatherings were disrupted.
This is a well known phenomenon :) The best way to get closer to family is to move away, absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you want to have positive and constructive and long-lasting relationships with your family, move away from them, even if it's just an hour (whether that means an hour drive or a different time zone depends on the family).
We don't have a network for our (young) children. Because their aunt and grandmother live 1+ hour drive away. Things like that severely limit your freedom. If you can park the children at grandma's easily, or have grandma visit easily, it allows you to even get things done for which otherwise one would need to stay at home, or you'd have to take all children to the appt.
Luckily, we got really nice neighbors, but we try to not play that joker card until inevitable. Its not something to rely on on the long term. Family is reliable.
If you live near each other, you just need to make proper appointments. Something with scope & boundaries...
What? This makes no sense. Capitalism isn't the problem, lack of boundaries is.
My best friend lived upstairs from her parents for years. It was her own apartment but the arrangement was hell on earth. Multiple times a day every day her mom would come barging in (and I do mean barging) to insert herself into whatever was going on in my friend's apartment, make nasty comments, or borrow/take something. Her mom eventually just stopped buying her own stuff because she just would take whatever my friend had if she needed it, plus it gave her more reason to bother my friend more often, which seemed to be her favorite activity in the world. Her mom even stopped driving her own car and just took my friend's whenever she wanted to go somewhere. The constant stress of the situation was so bad for my friend, it legitimately was ruining her health.
That is almost a form of abuse to be honest. I hope your friend has learned to set boundaries and enforce them. People like her mom are very good at manipulating their children and seeing absolutely nothing wrong with it.
The underlying problem is the lack of boundaries. Moving away does not solve that problem. Only setting and enforcing the boundaries will solve the problem.
No amount of distance is a boundary. People can travel, use cell phones, or any other method to get past distance. It is only a logistical complication.
Psychological and emotional boundaries are required. Cutting off contact by itself is not enough. You have to communicate that you are cutting off contact. That's what establishes the boundary. In many cases you won't get a restraining order if you haven't established that boundary. The restraining order is a tool for physically enforcing an established psychological and emotional boundary.
I agree with you, seeing how even my spouse's 16h-drive-away mother is still managing to insert herself into her child's life several times a day. I can see on my wife's face she's been talking to her mother when I get home. Even with new recent boundaries set (we're not visiting anymore, no more answering the phone or WhatsApp 33 times a day and then when not answering right away having other family call to argue that you're abandoning your family, fuck all of them), and I feel my spouse has made tremendous strides there, the mum is still finding ways to do this.
Moving away solves the problem if you move far enough away that they can only visit rarely. You don’t have to answer the phone and text messages can be easily blocked.
Until they show up at your door, decide to move wherever you moved, or even try to move in with you.
You can't solve a boundary issue by not dealing with the boundary issue. At best, you can avoid it and hope it's no longer a problem. The underlying issue still remains.
It's easy enough to tell someone to never contact you again. But if you see them daily as you prepare to commute because you live next door, a lifetime of social pressure to not be so rude as to ignore people is likely to get them to slip up and at least say "good morning!", even if they want to respect your boundaries (and definitely if they don't, and are looking for an excuse to trample all over them while perhaps pretending otherwise!) If you share a common living space or other "shared business" it's even worse, as there's also the completely understandable pressure, if not outright need, to resolve problems involving that shared business.
Moving is an action that can help disentangle you from shared business - be it common living spaces, shared fences, shared neighborhood issues, etc. - and help dismantle habits that would undermine your boundaries.
I don't think cutting them out of your life is setting a boundary. That's like the difference between putting a fence around a cow pasture (a boundary) and slaughtering the cows for meat. One is a bit more permanent than the other. Not really a boundary but an excising.
I hear what your saying but it’s at best a matter of scale.
Slaughtering the cows would be like... selling her car so her mom can’t use it. Her mom can’t hurt the cow anymore, sure, but there’s still no fence there.
In contrast, telling her mom “No, you can’t use my car” would be setting a boundary. But telling her mom “I don’t want you in my life” would also be setting a boundary. These are just two different fences. In both cases, the cow/car are just fine.
Seems like she the mom was bored with her own life and would do this because she couldn't stand her own loneliness. And yes, it is a form of abuse as another commenter mentioned.
No it’s definitely meddling when you’re 30+ and your mom waltzes into your kitchen and says “Mmmmm are you sure that knife goes in that drawer? And when’s the last time you did the dishes anyway look at this mess”
And then heaven forbid if you have different political views from them, especially in 2020. My mom treats me very weirdly, not because I actually voted for Trump, but because I don't spend my days ranting about how he's Satan incarnate like she does.
My sister aligns politically with my mom and she moved to MONGOLIA to get away from her. I'm glad for people who truly like their families, but not all of us won that particular genetic lottery.
One thing I've learned in my 30s is its not a genetic lottery. There are definitely very irrevocable dynamics but many can be molded with a level of concern, effort and boundary setting that we usually associate with work added with a dash of true sincerity and deep care.
> There are definitely very irrevocable dynamics but many can be molded with a level of concern, effort and boundary setting that we usually associate with work added with a dash of true sincerity and deep care.
I think this largely depends on factors outside our individual control—specifically, the other person. Sometimes setting boundaries, doing the work, can help the other person see the way their behavior is impacting you. Other times, it won't, so if you want the relationship to continue you have to be willing to always and repeatedly do all the work to maintain the relationship. Without the other person being capable and willing to recognize their own issues (and maybe get some therapy), no amount of your own effort can effect a permanent change.
It is both fascinating and sad to watch. My family has split along political lines, with half despising Trump and half worshipping him. Each side hates the other sufficiently that we just avoid talking anymore, so it's like having two distinct families.
I don't know the solution other than everyone agreeing not to talk politics, ever. And even better, actually deciding that politics is pretty insignificant and only something to think about on election day.
> And even better, actually deciding that politics is pretty insignificant
Unless you think civil liberties are at stake. The Supreme Court will be tilted to a way I believe is harmful for my children’s future, and personal health, and so I consider politics to be very significant.
Have I been duped into thinking marijuana has been illegal this whole time? Assisted suicide unavailable? Parental leave / sick leave laws non existent? Access to abortion restricted in some states to sufficiently quality it as inaccessible to those who need it?
Did I imagine growing up without dental care or healthcare because my immigrant small business owner parents could not access affordable healthcare? I personally know small business owners that are open about supporting politicians because they don't want the minimum salary for exempt workers to be raised, so that they can continue to exploit immigrant "managers" to run their businesses and pay them $32k per year to work 60+ hours a week.
These are real matters that have affected me and many others in the country. To say politics isn’t significant is ridiculous.
Politics is the opposite of insignificant, and everything is related to politics, so you're sitting on a ticking time bomb if you're as a group trying to ignore it. Ignoring the pink elephant in the room doesn't make it go away.
politics is governing. most people don't govern. We have other jobs and roles.
My influence on politics is insignificant vs my influence on other things that will impact my quality of life and those around me. In fact, politics and political news are a huge time suck for lots of people. Might as well be playing video games or watching sports.
> politics is governing. most people don't govern. We have other jobs and roles.
That depends on the definition being used [1]. IMO, using this definition of governing [2], governing is taking responsibility, we do it all the time, and it is tough at times.
An example of governing is deciding when to change your baby's diaper. You take responsibility to put in the time and effort (which boils down to money) to keep the baby healthy, proper, and happy.
Brave of you to admit. This community needs to come clean on this, we have so many outspoken, autistic individuals here whose input morphs others' views on what is normal and socially acceptable.
Shrug, honestly I see it as a strength and weakness. Different, not less. Therefore nothing to be ashamed of. In my work, we (employer, co-workers, myself) reap the benefits of my ASD, while we work around the weaknesses.
The point that we are all governing in one way or another, like Greek Gods, still stands.
I don't know how to get there, but we need to somehow reacquire the notion that it's okay to like and interact with someone that you disagree with, politically or otherwise.
Politics has the potential to impact every single area of your life. Your assets, your livelihood, even your life can potentially be taken away at the stroke of the legislator's pen, and this will be enforced by an apparatus that has been funded by your taxes, paid upon pain of imprisonment. We have been living through a period of relative political stability under governments that have tended to respect people's inalienable rights.
No matter who wins the election, we are likely to see half of the USA saying "not my president".
We need the families to be stronger.
We need more patience for things we disagree with.
We need to love and enjoy those who we disagree with. To have deep conversations that help others better understand different points of view. That's how real change could actually happen, instead of tribalism and every four years a new political party removes all the progress from the previous four years - so that nothing truly changes
I have a childhood friend who helps his father run a family business and lives on the corner of the family farm. His wife left him about a year ago, because his mother wouldn't give them a moment alone and was constantly letting herself into their house. These folks had a fairly traditional life and multi-generational family structure, but his mother suffocated their marriage. Had nothing to do with their engagement with markets.
What does this have to do with capitalism? Some people just don't want to have to deal with their grandmother criticizing their garden productivity on the daily, or their dad picking the mail up from their mailbox and bringing it to his home.
I moved to USA.
“Damn it I didn’t mean that far” ~ mom
My sister lives with her boyfriend in his mom’s house. There is indeed a ridiculous amount of meddling even though they’re technically separate households.