I don’t know you personally, so what I say may not be relevant, but these sentences stood out to me:
> I feel guilty because I noticed signs of someone who was suicidal, and explicitly chose to not do anything.
> It feels like the universe was giving me a character test, and it feels like I failed it.
So why not choose to do something different now?
Perhaps why you feel enduringly bad is because those events disrupted your self-narrative and that never recovered. Why not create facts that support a new narrative about how failing then led to you being a better person now? — eg, volunteering.
To have a purpose and to give meaning to things are important parts of how we, as humans, process such events. At least, according to Frankl.
> So why not choose to do something different now?
I mean, sure, I haven't really had the same level of "moral character test" since then, I would like to think I'd do better now, but it's of course impossible to say.
> Why not create facts that support a new narrative about how failing then led to you being a better person now? — eg, volunteering.
I tried teaching for a few semesters primarily for emotional satisfaction reasons, and that had its moments, though that also made me realize that I am have a lot of emotional baggage that I need to work through.
At this point I have been just trying to keep myself busy with personal projects and diving deep into useless computer science theory. Fortunately, I never got into drinking or doing drugs, so all things considered reading used textbooks isn't the worst vice.
> I feel guilty because I noticed signs of someone who was suicidal, and explicitly chose to not do anything.
> It feels like the universe was giving me a character test, and it feels like I failed it.
So why not choose to do something different now?
Perhaps why you feel enduringly bad is because those events disrupted your self-narrative and that never recovered. Why not create facts that support a new narrative about how failing then led to you being a better person now? — eg, volunteering.
To have a purpose and to give meaning to things are important parts of how we, as humans, process such events. At least, according to Frankl.
Regardless, I hope you feel better.