Most of the time with the online dates, I felt one out of ten was somewhat attractive, so I’d give them a chance and get interested then the guys immediately lost interest and ghosted me after things got physically intimate. I think they just wanted sex and I wanted to wait to get to know them better.
To me it sounds like you're going through the moves to find the right guy, but you don't actually take the ideas and self-reflection parts to heart.
Some questions: Why do you want kids? (There are basically two answers, either it is because you have something to give or because you want something. I guess you can figure out which mindset is healthier.)
Are you actually interested in the people around you? Not only men, but people in general? Do you make an effort to get to know them? And by the same token, are you ready to experience intimacy? I am not (only) talking about sex, but about the effort it takes to open up to someone and to trust them.
Something that can (!) happen when you grow up with a single parent is that the parent confides in you just as if you were their partner, which leads to an unhealthy dynamic (parentification). Since children learn relationship dynamics from their parents, the learning experience in this case is "my needs and boundaries do not matter". As the child grows up, this can (!) lead to a pattern where they avoid intimacy in order to keep their needs and boundaries.
You may want to google "fear of intimacy", "attachment styles", "scared of commitment" and if this resonates with you have a look at books like "He's scared, She's scared" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol and David Schnarch's books on intimacy (his book "Passionate Marriage" does not only deal with marriage but mostly with the connection between sex and intimacy in general).
Actually, I've done an extensive amount of intensive self-reflection, I would definitely wager more than most people.... Did you see where I mentioned therapy, dating coaches, support groups, meditation and hypnosis ?
Yes, that's what I meant with "going through the moves".
Or let me phrase it another way: Did you notice any remarkable changes when you did these things? Examples could be: Revelations about your relationship with your parents, how you perceive certain situations, understanding your feelings better, gaining a better sense of your body etc. If you know someone who has what you wants, what is that person like? Are you like them or do you behave differently? How has your behavior changed during self-reflection? (No need to answer in public, just to give you an idea of what I mean and what I think are important points during self-reflection.)
My impression is that most self-help approaches teach the same things, but not everyone is equally receptive to each approach. Same with therapists, coaching and groups, sometimes it takes another try to find the one that is right for you. Most stuff seems to focus on the intellectual level, but I think that it is equally important to experience the feelings that come with it (for example with techniques like Focusing).
Yes, lots of insight and personal growth - improved self-confidence, greater happiness, overcoming clinical depression and being happy, clarity about what I wanted, overcoming fear of intimacy, my first big relationship, finding more ability to be myself, making more friends. I'd share them but I'm a little burnt out by sharing so many highly personal details of my life publicly here. All my therapists and coaches seem to like me a lot because I dive into the work and am willing to take feedback.
A guy who is both physically attractive and “marriageable”, which I assume means charismatic and well-established financially, will have tons of options. Even if you are quite attractive yourself, your age will tend to rank you lower on his list of options—it’s not fair but that’s how human reproductive biology works.
Just like a startup who can’t compete with google to hire the very best engineers and so needs to “think outside the box” in considering less traditionally qualified candidates who nonetheless have potential, you’ll probably have more success if you’re honest with yourself about your “mating market value”, even if it hurts the ego a bit, and look for men that might be lacking somehow in some areas but make up for it in others.
It’s also important to understand that most guys will sleep with literally any woman given the opportunity. Don’t confuse getting a high status guy interested in sex with getting one interested in a relationship. The first has little bearing on the second. Having a high value in the casual sex market can cause someone to overrate their value in the monogamous relationship market.
Sorry if some of that sounded harsh, but I think we’d all be better off with more honesty and realism on these topics. I hope you find the right person!
I wonder if your personal situation is an example of the changes we’ve seen with the increasingly central role online dating has on individuals matching with potential partners.
The article details how men match far less frequently than women, with most matches by women for males enjoyed by only a small population of highly desired males.
Highly desired males have a far greater selection of females to choose from than average males, and would be far more likely to enjoy the benefits without the relationship commitment.
Your being ghosted immediately following matching or their failed efforts at immediate physical intimacy may be an indicator that you are only pursuing highly desired males.
If so, then maybe you are caught in loop where your initial choices in highly desirable males have a ‘cereal aisle syndrome’ or Netflix scrolling problem in selecting you.
To be blunt, maybe visually you are an 8 striving to match with a 10?
Getting beyond just the visual and to the substantial requires in person meeting for most males to void being filtered out.
I can’t really offer any advice other than keep your ‘attack surface area’ high to increase opportunities for serendipity!
Don’t underestimate serendipity.
And just surf the waves life sends your way.
Good luck and I hope you are happy and full of purpose regardless of relationship and kid status.
> the guys immediately lost interest and ghosted me after things got physically intimate
It's often a power game: the more leverage you have, the better terms you can set. Women can filter out men interested in casual sex by making it everything but casual: making them wait, increasing the effort required, increasing the dating costs. You mentioned going on 120+ dates so I assume you have a large pool of men from which you can select.
