I'm sorry, I don't wanna complain. Neither me nor any of my loved ones have been made sick by the virus. Very few have lost their jobs, and I and they live in a country where the social safety net is strong. I shouldn't complain.
But since you asked. I'm not holding up. I was already pretty deep in a semi-regular depression valley, triggered by some bad decisions regarding relocation and leaving a line of work. In hindsight, I was stupid. Then covid took away the little social life I had in my new location. And made the future so damn uncertain. And showed me how brittle everything is, how even if you do everything just right, it can all come crumbling down at any time. I'm not even doing anything right. I've managed to build up a good skillset and a good degree and an OK CV, but only through sheer luck. I now have none of the drive that made me able to obtain those things. Nothing pushes me anymore. If I could get back on track, this whole covid and the crumbling of liberal democracy situation has shown that it can still all come crashing down at any point.
What's the point. If I could barely "make it" when I was younger, had a fire lit in me, a large social circle, etc., how am I going to have a chance when I get older every day, there's barely an ember in my soul, my poor decisions have physically distanced me from my close friends (and hell, we all know those things disintegrate with age anyway, it was all existing on loaned time, making younger and younger friends to compensate). I'm so close to giving up. Don't take it the wrong way. Life isn't pain yet, so I'll go on slogging, but I'm close to stopping struggling and just let it slide into a gray monotony. The longing for a fire and a desire is so painful that it's better to just forget about it. To just go with safe. Lock it down. Time to grow up, I guess. In my mid-30s. I don't like this, one bit. I really don't fit in in society. Which would be charming if I were a risk-taking adventurer who "lived life to its fullest". But no, I'm deeply risk-averse at heart. Luck and great people put me into niches where I blossomed. It's all charming when you're in your mid 20s and you're "promising".
And yes, I am going to therapy. I'm learning a lot, but it's not "helping".
But since you asked. I'm not holding up. I was already pretty deep in a semi-regular depression valley, triggered by some bad decisions regarding relocation and leaving a line of work. In hindsight, I was stupid. Then covid took away the little social life I had in my new location. And made the future so damn uncertain. And showed me how brittle everything is, how even if you do everything just right, it can all come crumbling down at any time. I'm not even doing anything right. I've managed to build up a good skillset and a good degree and an OK CV, but only through sheer luck. I now have none of the drive that made me able to obtain those things. Nothing pushes me anymore. If I could get back on track, this whole covid and the crumbling of liberal democracy situation has shown that it can still all come crashing down at any point.
What's the point. If I could barely "make it" when I was younger, had a fire lit in me, a large social circle, etc., how am I going to have a chance when I get older every day, there's barely an ember in my soul, my poor decisions have physically distanced me from my close friends (and hell, we all know those things disintegrate with age anyway, it was all existing on loaned time, making younger and younger friends to compensate). I'm so close to giving up. Don't take it the wrong way. Life isn't pain yet, so I'll go on slogging, but I'm close to stopping struggling and just let it slide into a gray monotony. The longing for a fire and a desire is so painful that it's better to just forget about it. To just go with safe. Lock it down. Time to grow up, I guess. In my mid-30s. I don't like this, one bit. I really don't fit in in society. Which would be charming if I were a risk-taking adventurer who "lived life to its fullest". But no, I'm deeply risk-averse at heart. Luck and great people put me into niches where I blossomed. It's all charming when you're in your mid 20s and you're "promising".
And yes, I am going to therapy. I'm learning a lot, but it's not "helping".
I'm so tired.
Thanks for listening.