Suicide is a hard topic. My mom did it. I don't talk to my father. I might be autistic or have aspbergers, and I dont understand why I wake up. I'm a robot emulating a human. I have to do weed to grt any mystery of a cosmic connection because we are strange primates. I hate my job which causes a disease of more when even after excelling in a fang job making over seven figures, I feel very little joy. I just have hope that something will change. I'm going to retire soon. I hope I can find joy.
If you aren't already working with a therapist, I would encourage you to do so. I think it would really help, but either way I hope you find what you're looking for.
Do you make art? I don't know how it feels to lose a family member to suicide, but I do remember how it feels to feel nothing. I started making art... In reality I forced myself to make art. Doodling first, then drawing and sketching and more complicated designs. I learned that art is like exercising, but instead of building muscle I was building physical emotions, in a sense. I had to train myself to make something tangible out of my thoughts and feelings in a way that I could prove to myself that they existed at all.
It wasn't easy, it was hard. Painful and scary and exciting and anxiety inducing and hopeful. I started by forcing myself to do it but the more and more I practiced the easier it became to search for inspiration within myself - like digging a well. At first it was sand and dust and rock; nothing alive. But the deeper I dug I found clay and mud and water and eventually I _learned_ how to find that spring of life within myself, and I could use that water to irrigate the fields and find life and mystery and inspiration in the world around me.
I don't know if art is what makes us human, but I found that art at least showed me what makes me feel alive.
What a beautiful depiction of self-exploration. It would be interesting to hear more about how you get yourself to continue digging in such a state of mind.
I had to think about this for a moment. Finally a lyric from Kanye West came to mind that kept me going day after day. "When it feels like living is harder than dying, for me giving up is way harder than trying". I played this song on repeat, I don't know where I'd be without it.
Talk to a therapist, and if that therapist isn't giving you what you need then try another one. If you are shy about therapists, there are some programs that let you do therapy via text message or video call.
There are a lot of possible causes as to why you may feel a lack of joy. The good news is that the vast majority of those causes are fixable.
Allocate some time to joy seeking. I think I'm a bit on the autistic spectrum... at least I struggled for a very long time with human connections, and it changes a lot about how one sees life.
The analytical part of the brain is not the only one.. that said, I'm neuroscientist, just a dude with a strange upbringing.
There is some research that seems to point out to genetic factors. My only experience with this subject seems to corroborate this, but it's anecdotal. This is true for some other mental health issues too. TL;DR I'd be very careful if there's any history in the family, as in your case.
Given that you suspect that you are neurodivergent(you mentioned autism), please talk to a professional. Maybe figuring out exactly what makes you tick is what you need - or maybe there's something that's preventing you from feeling 'joy' (anhedonia is a classic depression sign).
Don't wait until retirement. You can certainly afford talking to a therapist (from a monetary perspective at least, time may be another matter). But just do it.
I think that 'joy' is a target that can't be reached. No matter how wonderful one's life become, we'll adapt. Joy is fleeting (but you should still experience some occasionally). Not hating having to wake up is a good first goal though. I'm also working on that part.
Not sure our biology is great at that, but paradoxically as an almost 40 year old... I have the resources to support a bunch of children. Maybe the change to make is change the dynamic between men and women to introduce more age differences for child rearing.
My parents fought about money all the time, but if they had delayed then they would have been better off. If they were better off then maybe my mom wouldn't have killed herself...
While I agree with you technically, there's something icky about a community full of older, wealthy men talking about how maybe it's actually ideal for older, wealthy men to wife up young, fertile women.
People on their 20 ties are more energetic and better handle sleep deprivation that comes with kids. Kids are not just costing money, they cost energy and effort.
Yeah. In a lot of ways, the push to have kids at an older age is detrimental... although in a lot of ways it's not. It's a tradeoff.
My earliest kid I had at 21; my latest, at 45. Sure, I have more money and emotional stability now. But I was also a lot more active back then, with the ability to deal with sleep deprivation when the kids were infants, and to handle playing tag after work for an hour.
Plus... whatever emotional strength and resilience I have comes in large part from being a practicing father for 20+ years. If I had been childless this whole time, I'd have far less emotional growth.
I'd recommend couples at least consider having kids as soon as they can (a) drag themselves out of poverty and (b) have enough time together that they have some confidence their relationship won't fall apart. Maybe (c) have some 3rd party backup.
This pains me deeply. As one of the people that can just crank shut out, I find myself frustrated. I then meditate that these people exist for when things go wrong so I can check out. Just rest and vest. Rest and vest is the way.
This is not really a tech thing though; it's process. There are probably enough people there who can 'crank stuff out' too, but they cannot do that because of the process in place. A lot of companies end up this way when they get big, especially if they were not software companies to start with. There will be many management layers and gatekeepers who will do anything they can to prevent you from cranking out your stuff.
There are scenarios, e.g. something mission-critical or highly-regulated, where process/gatekeeping is appropriate. The scenario described by OP is not one of them.
Recently, I started to appreciate art more since it feels like I'm trapped in a utilitarian trap. This one bit art is amazing, but I don't know how I could get involved.
Brandon James Greer[0] has some really good vids on pixel art, including 1-bit. I recommend trying it out for yourself in Aseprite, or if you have an iPad/Apple Pencil, Pixaki is actually really nice.
You can support the artists by buying their existing artwork or commissioning new work.
But you probably meant, "how do I make art?" Art isn't really even a defined thing. Go throw some paint at a wall and read the Art Of Asking Silly Questions by Sunkist ;-)
It seems strange that in an effort to solve a common problem that 80% of the success stories opt to not use the automation. Perhaps, there is ground for another toolkit
Building an AST is an easy task once you've figured out your grammar and error recovery mechanism, but these are essentially a kind of language-specific design work that can not be automated.
